bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

I found the words you sent to me.

When my little boy was stillborn 15 months ago, I had no idea how I would go on to 'mother' him. I was terrified that the outside world wouldn't perceive me to be a mother to him, because I couldn't do all those things that 'mums do' ... I cannot bathe him, hold him, kiss… Continue reading I found the words you sent to me.

bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

Wind, rain, storm, or shine.

I'm writing this sat in my car at the entrance of the baby garden in my local cemetery. I would be sat inside the bushed walls of the garden, was it not for the typical English weather. Most people I have spoken to about cemeteries - this may seem like an odd conversation topic, but they become… Continue reading Wind, rain, storm, or shine.

bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

The post-play blues.

There comes a moment when you suddenly realise that this is it. This is it. This is my life. It will be my life, for the rest of my life. It's been a year and it hasn't done that 'thing' that people promised me it would do - it hasn't got better; it hasn't become easier. The… Continue reading The post-play blues.

bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

And I Waited, part 2.

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvPeVpe444E&t=2s I got out of bed and I went downstairs, It was time to let his sisters know he was poorly. I sat them and told them with tears in my eyes; 'But he will be okay mummy, surely?' I didn't have the strength to say at that point That, actually, no he wouldn't.… Continue reading And I Waited, part 2.

bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

Happy 1st Birthday, Otis.

One year ago today, you made your appearance Earthside. You were born after the most peaceful labour, just as the sun was rising, at 4:19am. You were a big boy - weighing 5lbs1oz and measuring 54cm from head to toe. The circumstances weren't ever how I envisaged them to be. You were beautiful; pure perfection… Continue reading Happy 1st Birthday, Otis.

bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

Dear Otis …

Dear Otis, 10 months down the line and I find myself actively trying to change the course and the nature of my grieving for you. It's an experience I can only describe as being bittersweet - heart breaking and healing in equal measure. That constant paradox that is grieving. I try to see beauty where I could… Continue reading Dear Otis …