When my little boy was stillborn 15 months ago, I had no idea how I would go on to 'mother' him. I was terrified that the outside world wouldn't perceive me to be a mother to him, because I couldn't do all those things that 'mums do' ... I cannot bathe him, hold him, kiss… Continue reading I found the words you sent to me.
I'm writing this sat in my car at the entrance of the baby garden in my local cemetery. I would be sat inside the bushed walls of the garden, was it not for the typical English weather. Most people I have spoken to about cemeteries - this may seem like an odd conversation topic, but they become… Continue reading Wind, rain, storm, or shine.
There comes a moment when you suddenly realise that this is it. This is it. This is my life. It will be my life, for the rest of my life. It's been a year and it hasn't done that 'thing' that people promised me it would do - it hasn't got better; it hasn't become easier. The… Continue reading The post-play blues.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvPeVpe444E&t=2s I got out of bed and I went downstairs, It was time to let his sisters know he was poorly. I sat them and told them with tears in my eyes; 'But he will be okay mummy, surely?' I didn't have the strength to say at that point That, actually, no he wouldn't.… Continue reading And I Waited, part 2.
One year ago today, you made your appearance Earthside. You were born after the most peaceful labour, just as the sun was rising, at 4:19am. You were a big boy - weighing 5lbs1oz and measuring 54cm from head to toe. The circumstances weren't ever how I envisaged them to be. You were beautiful; pure perfection… Continue reading Happy 1st Birthday, Otis.
It's been a year - I was 33 weeks and 4 days pregnant. You took me in to a side room and you told me he would die. You got out a piece of paper and you wrote on it. We had 3 options. And not one of them resulted in life. I returned home with… Continue reading And I waited …
Dear Otis, 10 months down the line and I find myself actively trying to change the course and the nature of my grieving for you. It's an experience I can only describe as being bittersweet - heart breaking and healing in equal measure. That constant paradox that is grieving. I try to see beauty where I could… Continue reading Dear Otis …