If you asked me one year ago if I thought I would ever say this again, I'd have probably screamed in your face that it'd never be possible ... but I'm actually quite looking forward to Christmas this year. Last year was our first Christmas without Otis and I cannot begin to explain how empty… Continue reading Healing.
16 months ago now (wow, how time has flown) my little boy was stillborn at 35 weeks gestation. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him, despite the absence of the beat in his heart, how thankful I was to have had him for that time, and I will always remain thankful for… Continue reading The Unwritten
When my little boy was stillborn 15 months ago, I had no idea how I would go on to 'mother' him. I was terrified that the outside world wouldn't perceive me to be a mother to him, because I couldn't do all those things that 'mums do' ... I cannot bathe him, hold him, kiss… Continue reading I found the words you sent to me.
I'm writing this sat in my car at the entrance of the baby garden in my local cemetery. I would be sat inside the bushed walls of the garden, was it not for the typical English weather. Most people I have spoken to about cemeteries - this may seem like an odd conversation topic, but they become… Continue reading Wind, rain, storm, or shine.
There comes a moment when you suddenly realise that this is it. This is it. This is my life. It will be my life, for the rest of my life. It's been a year and it hasn't done that 'thing' that people promised me it would do - it hasn't got better; it hasn't become easier. The… Continue reading The post-play blues.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvPeVpe444E&t=2s I got out of bed and I went downstairs, It was time to let his sisters know he was poorly. I sat them and told them with tears in my eyes; 'But he will be okay mummy, surely?' I didn't have the strength to say at that point That, actually, no he wouldn't.… Continue reading And I Waited, part 2.
One year ago today, you made your appearance Earthside. You were born after the most peaceful labour, just as the sun was rising, at 4:19am. You were a big boy - weighing 5lbs1oz and measuring 54cm from head to toe. The circumstances weren't ever how I envisaged them to be. You were beautiful; pure perfection… Continue reading Happy 1st Birthday, Otis.