bereavement · Childbirth · childloss · grief · infantloss · Labour · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

“You’re Lucky, You Knew He Was Going To Die…”

“You are lucky. You knew he was going to die so you had time to prepare.” 

Shockingly, yes, those words have been said to me (and I quoted, word for word). I felt the need to share something with you all, after reading those words.

We had Otis’ burial outfit delivered on the 28th of May, 2016 after confirming we wanted it on the 26th of May, 2016. Otis wasn’t born until the 3rd of June, 2016. Receiving this outfit was by far one of the most harrowing experiences of my life … Opening that package and seeing the tiny outfit that I knew my little boy was going to rest in for the whole of eternity broke me in to a million pieces. Knowing that this little boy was still living and kicking inside me, knowing that he still had a heart beat, and I was sat looking at this beautiful gown in front of me that would become his burial outfit, was a feeling of pain beyond comprehension.

I cannot begin to explain that pain, I really can’t.

Let me tell you.. There is NOTHING lucky about losing a child or knowing you’re going to lose a child. There is NOTHING lucky about getting to 34 weeks of pregnancy to then hear; “I’m sorry, your son isn’t going to live.” There is NOTHING lucky about finding a funeral director before your son has even passed away to make things as cope able as possible after birth. There is NOTHING lucky about waiting for your little boys heart to stop beating, knowing it’s inevitable. There is NOTHING lucky about spending every second of every minute of every hour of every day waiting for the next kick, just to know he was still alive. There is NOTHING lucky about receiving a memory box for your child before they have even become a memory. There is NOTHING lucky about feeling your son kick, then realising later that it was for the very last time. There is NOTHING lucky about hearing those words; ‘I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat. I’m so sorry for your loss.’ There is NOTHING lucky about my child dying – regardless of HOW or WHY or WHEN.

Yes, we had time to prepare for our sons heart to stop beating. This did NOT make our experience any easier! Getting to 34 weeks of pregnancy thinking that everything was okay, thinking that in just a few short weeks we would be bringing home our little boy to meet his sisters, thinking about who he would become, having a caesarean date planned to deliver my son ALIVE and HEALTHY … to THEN learn our darling boy would never be coming home – that is NOT lucky. Knowing I would have to deliver his lifeless body and having to prepare for that; even going to the lengths of researching how cold and floppy he would be when he arrived earth side – that is NOT lucky.

I cannot explain this feeling to those who have never experienced it. But now, after reading those words written to me, I’m gonna damn well try.

If you’re a mummy or a daddy, imagine this:
Imagine that little boy or girl you call your son or daughter. Imagine never having seen their eyes. Look at their eyes, and imagine having never seen those perfect eyes open. Now picture your beautiful son or daughter playing and think about their little laugh; imagine having never heard that laugh. You’re led down in bed at night and you hear your child cry; imagine never having heard that cry.  Do you remember the first time your little boy or girl said ‘mama’ or ‘dada’ ? Now imagine never hearing them say those words. You’re lying in bed at night, cuddling your sleepy baby – now imagine holding that perfect piece of you tight to your chest, almost suffocatingly, and giving them a kiss goodbye knowing that it would be the very last time you do. You’re putting your little one to bed, you stroke their chubby cheek, give them a kiss and whisper ‘I love you, goodnight’ … Now imagine placing your precious child in to that moses basket for the first time and the last time, knowing it would be the very last time you see them, knowing it would be the very last time you ever get to tell your child you love them to their physical body. Ever.

Now picture: instead of your child laying in bed tonight fast asleep where they are warm and cosy – picture that child in a coffin, in the ground. A tiny blue or pink coffin, with the Earth surrounding them.

Did that hurt? Was that painful to think about? Now take that pain, multiply it a million times. Is it hurting more now? Imagine that ache. Imagine that agony. And do you know something? That STILL does not come even remotely close to describing the pain that stillbirth mummies and daddies feel.

Do you understand, now? Do you understand how utterly broken the parents of stillborn children feel? Do you understand how agonising it must be for a parent to have to imagine everything about their child and what their life would have been had they lived? Do you understand how harrowing it must have been for Chris and I to start planning our son’s funeral before he had even passed away?

Please, if ever you feel the need to say/write something, not only to me but to ANY loss parent, THINK first. Think about what you are saying; think about whether what you are saying is patronising or harmful. Think about whether what you’re saying will belittle the person you’re saying it to.

What you probably won’t know, and what many stillbirth parents won’t tell you, is that even YEARS down the line, they may cry for their baby every single night. We don’t just grieve for our immediate loss. We don’t just grieve for the child that was. We grieve for the child that would have been.

It’s been six weeks since Otis was born, and right now I’m grieving for his first smile. I will NEVER see my little boy smile, I can only imagine how perfectly cute he looks when he smiles. In 6 months or so I will be grieving for my son’s first word. In a year or so, I will be grieving for my son’s first steps. In 2 years or so I will be grieving for my son’s first days of pre-school. In 5 years I will be grieving for my son’s first day at primary school. In 11 years I will be grieving for my son’s first day of secondary school. In 15/16 years I will be grieving for my son’s first day of college. In around 25 years I will be grieving for my son’s wedding day. In 26/27 years I will be grieving for the grandchildren I never had that he may have blessed me with…

You see, grief does not end with our loss. This is only the beginning. I will grieve for my son for the rest of my life. No, I won’t cry every single day for the next 50 years or however long I live. No, I won’t be moping around writing blog posts about him 2 or 3 times a day for the rest of my life. No, I won’t mention him in EVERY SINGLE THING I do. Yes, I will eventually move forward. But he will always be on my mind. Otis will always be my child. He will always be the first thing I think about when I wake up, alongside Maisie and Cora; and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep, alongside Maisie and Cora.

My little boy died, his memory did not.

Otis Dominic Anthony Cullen; we miss you, we love you, we will do both eternally.

I feel so privileged to be shortlisted for 3 awards at The Butterfly Awards this year. Voting went live 20 minutes ago!:) Please don’t feel obligated to, but it would mean the world to me if you could visit my profiles and ‘vote’ for me. It would be amazing to be able to add one of these awards to Otis’ memory box😇 Also, now the profiles are live and it’s attached to two of mine, I may as well share a video of a little something I’ve quietly been working on (please excuse the man voice in the video, ta)🙈
Author/Blogger –
https://babylossstar.co.uk/NatalieOldham17

Inspirational Mother –
https://babylossstar.co.uk/NatalieOldham217

UK Support Organisation –
https://babylossstar.co.uk/OtisAndFriends17

Thank you.

 

52 thoughts on ““You’re Lucky, You Knew He Was Going To Die…”

      1. I am truly sorry for your loss.. My heart is aching as I read your history…. Thank you so much for sharing.. We can only educate those that don’t know what loosing a child means.. Is unbearable no matter how many living children you have .. Trust me .. I know!
        Serving as example of bravery and supporting those coming after ours is the best way to go.. You have a Beautiful Angel and he’s looking down to you knowing that even after death Your Love for him continues .. ForEver & Always! 👶🏻💙👼🏻

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      2. Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss
        Your words were powerful and you said what needed to be said and well done although they reduced me to tears. I lost my little girl although from a different cause. But I fully understand the pain you feel my beautiful little angel would be 19 now you will grieve for the rest of your life and don’t let anyone take that away from you your beautiful little boy deserves to be remembered and thought about everyday he will always be part of your family It’s unfair that many parents can’t have those everyday experiences that others do your pain will ease in its own pace but it never goes away. You kind of just learn to live with the greif it part of who you are and who you will become Smile when you can cry when you want celebrate him when you feel you want to
        I’m sorry that those cruel words were said to you in the first place. But by you expressing your thoughts and putting that into words will help those poor mums and dads and family members be strong when they sadly face what we have felt and are feeling now when our babies are not here with us today and everyday. I hope that each day gets a little easier for you and your family May you find strength to carry on And I hope you receive the compassion and love you so deserve at this very sad time
        God bless you ❤️

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    1. That’s awful that someone has said that to you, and it’s even worse that they felt that they could say that to you. Otis was and still is a blessing!💙 Even tho he’s in heaven he will always be your baby boy.
      Makes me angry the ignorance of some people.
      How could someone possibly be lucky to know that the child they are carrying is not going to live?
      Just because you learned of him becoming a angel before he was born dose not make it any easier.
      HE IS A BLESSJNG. 💙💙💙💙
      #Otis👼🏼

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Sometimes people don’t know what to say and they think they are comforting you. Don’t be too hard on them, it’s. An awful thing to happen and even harder to find the appropriate words of comfort.

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  1. I know all the pain,i lost my baby girl at 34 weeks pregnant, i feel your pain,no one has a right to say that to you,a loss of your child you never get over it,if im honest part of me went with my daughter when Chloe past away x

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  2. So very sorry for your loss. My son died at the age of 32, May 13th of this year, one week before his 33 birthday…and I have heard so many hurtful and stupid things…..NO I AM NOT BETTER…….My life is forever different and there is a huge hole in my heart….and I am never going to get over it or forget it….I am dying a slow death……

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  3. Thank you for this. My sister most her little boy Ty at birth. She was informed at 20 weeks there was nothing that could be done. Ty would of turned 4 in June. He is forever in our hearts. May God bless you and your family.

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  4. Praying for you and your sweet boy. Thank you for sharing his life with us. Our twin daughters died in February shortly after their premature birth, and we’ve gotten so many similarly clueless/painful reactions. “At least you got to hold them. At least they were born alive. At least you got to take pictures.” Bottom line: when someone’s baby dies, no “at least” helps. Because we have lost the most. Hugs to you, mama.

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  5. I found out there was a problem with my son at 12 weeks pregnant. He was diagnosed with Limb Body Wall Complex (LBWC). There is a 0% chance of survival after birth. At 26 weeks pregnant I started planning his funeral. I had not found the funeral home when I went into labor just a week later. Most funeral homes do not want to deal with an infants funeral. My son Tristen Lee Hale was born on January 8, 2005 he lived for 27 mins. I was blessed to be able to hold my son while he was alive. I have heard so many comments that made me look at people totally different. There are just some things you don’t say to grieving parents. Even though I lost a nephew who was stillborn, as a parent I don’t know that heartache. My thoughts are with you. Otis was absolutely beautiful. He is blessed to have you as a mother. My prayers are for your heartache that God will wrap you in his arms. Thank you for sharing this with all parents.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this. No there is nothing Lucky about being a grandparent and watching your only beautiful daughter carrying her first beautiful daughter full term and knowing she will not live and not being able to do a thing about it but love and support in every way you know how. Thank you for reminding us that we are not alone in this journey. Through God’s grace and loving kindness we will make it through this. ❤️😇

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  7. Reblogged this on patc44's Blog and commented:
    I am so very sorry for loss, I cannot imagine how broken hearted you all are. I have just lost a beautiful grandaughter, one of twins. We are all devistated, nothing will take pur pain away.

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  8. First, I’d like to say Otis is Beautiful and I’m sending you a hug. It’s been 4 yrs since we lost our son Gabriel and people still say this to us. It’s like a punch in the gut. We knew he would most likely not survive as well. Thank you for writing and sharing this. Many times, I wanted to say similar things but guess I wasn’t brave enough.

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  9. I feel that too.. Painful it is then here I go with post-partum depression… Why cant someone dear to you could understand that situation? Infidelity of him while pregnant with my angel baby knowing my baby was ill inside me.. Difficult pregnancy, went to failed amniotic reduction that led to c section, after half an hour of his birth, his heart slowly beat to flatline.. How can I cope up with all of this pain… Agony…

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  10. Is it that they say this really belive it will help you ? Or in my case that “I could have more” or “at least I had others…
    My daughter turned 21 in October last year, I try to imagine what she looks ,ike now as a young woman by picking out parts of her sisters.
    We have always kept her alive within our family we placed a lock of her hair in her sisters purse when she went to prom in her brothers top pocket when he got married ,in her sisters baby bag o n the day she gave birth to her first niece ,has a place set every Christmas .
    We celebrated her 21st as a whole family , brothers sisters nans grandads aunts uncles brother in laws sister in law hers not mine cousins her daddy an I .
    We talk about when we are once again together, as we should of been as a family.
    How can they possibly think that a thing could of ever of made this loss better x

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  11. Heartbreaking, so well expressed. 30 yrs ago I lost my son Stephen during an induced labour 12 days overdue. It’s still painful, but more a dull ache now – your story is so true, and reminds me so much of what I went through and am still doing – you are so right about those milestones and birthdays. I had over 4 hours of labour after finding out he’d died before he was born. The only sense I could make of it was to donate any parts of him to help another child but that turned out to be impossible. Never seeing his eyes is what stays with me…

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  12. So sorry for your loss. Bless he’s little soul. So beautiful. He will always be with you I believe and I’m sure he felt every inch of your love for him when he was in your belly. I can never imagine how you must be feeling and I pray I never do. This world has so many heartless careless people who don’t deserve the time of day. No one deserves to go through what you are going through. I’m so sorry.

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  13. My heart aches for your loss. He is perfect!! After 8 years of infertility my only son Derrick died of SIDS at 10 weeks. My neighbor saw me weeks later and said “just get busy and have another”
    I had to bite my tongue. He was trying to acknowledge my loss but did not know how. Many more examples I could share but the worst are his grAndparents who never mention him or remember his birthday. I have heard them asked how many grandchildren and they Never count him. That is a knife to my heart!!!!!

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  14. My daughter Tara was stillborn at 40 weeks and 5 days and I didn’t know she was going to die she was our 1st child. I went into labour and 3 hrs later she was born dead a perfect 7lb 14 ounce little girl with nothing wrong with her and no explanation why. The patronising comment I received was “well at least you can go full term with a child” to which my response was “yeah that’s true but can I deliver a live baby???” – 24 yrs on I have hit everyone of those milestones you mentioned in your blog and memories I wished I had with her – I went on to have 1 handsome son and 3 beautiful daughters – Tara is a constant in our lives and a big sister my 4 kids will never forget even though they never met her she is a big part of our lives and will never be forgotten – one funny memory which actually happened on the day of Tara’s funeral – we went back to our local pub for tea and sandwiches and the lady that owned the pub called me and my husband over to her and we were ready for the usual sorry for your loss comments but her words have stuck with me for years and I have passed it on to others who have shared similar losses to me – she grabbed both our hands together and squeezed them and whispered to us “think of the fun you’ll have making the next one” – well we both burst out laughing and hugged her tightly I don’t know if she realised how much that meant to us then and now and how she lightened the mood for us that day and the strength she gave us to grow and develop our married and family life to the happy one it is today almost 25 yrs married. Please enjoy the milestones make them special as if your son was still here – His birthday shud always be his birthday not the day he died and be celebrated we always make a big fuss that day. It will get easier don’t rush it grieve fully I tried to be brave for everyone around me don’t do that think of yourself feel sorry for yourself it’s your right cos as you rightly said you have a lifetime of grieving ahead of you – sorry for the essay lol but I jus wanted to share my story and to echo what you said that this isn’t a short term thing but a load of happy memories are sitting there ready to be made for you and little Otis will be sitting on your shoulder going along for the ride – wishing you a lifetime of happiness take care of you and yours xxxx

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  15. So sorry for your loss our daughter caoimhe was born at 39 weeks she had a condition that was going to kill her we found this out at 32 weeks , preparing yourself for something that is so heartbreaking you can’t imagine what’s going in your head all I know is they stay in your heart forever and they will always be a part of you xxx

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss, for too long babies who are born sleeping or too soon for this earth are never mentioned or spoken of, but your beautiful son was in your life and in sharing this he is in many heart including mine. Fly high sweet Angel, you are loved xx

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  17. I can only assume that the words spoken to you about your loss were out of sheer ignorance, and not with the intent of cruelty. I have not experienced the kind of loss that you have, but my older brother died when I was six, so I saw my parents’ grief and loss from a child’s perspective. I then later understood that their grief transformed but never went away. My heart goes out to you and your whole family. It will be something your little girls will grow up with that makes them a little different than their friends. I am now 63 years old and my mother is 94. We still talk about my brother often. He has always been a part of our family. I know Otis will always be in your heart and I hold the belief that you will also be in his.

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  18. I can relate to so many things in this article and in fact, had to skim over parts because they are too difficult to read. It’s been almost 11 years since we buried our baby girl in a beautiful dress also purchased before her death. I am so sorry for your loss. I remember sitting in a restaurant shortly after her funeral and hearing a little girl trying to get her mother’s attention: “Mama, Mama..” and I burst into tears because I would never hear my Gracie’s little voice calling for me. I was a Mama too but my arms were empty. I am reminded of her all the time, and even though thanks be to God my arms are no longer empty, the grief really does never end. Prayers for you and all the other suffering Mamas out there.

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  19. Don’t know what to say, what you are supposed to say ? … Thank You.
    Thank You for sharing your story and I hope in a small way this released some of the pain.
    It’s a cruel world we live in and when my children are up in the morning, I will hold them so much tighter than ever before, thanks to you and your story. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did xx

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  20. So many parents grieving their lost babes and I’m another.
    Thank you for putting into words what is such a desperate and awful experience. I feel that rawness you are feeling now. No, it won’t be forever that is so close to the surface but yes it will be there forever. Every milestone.
    My son died during my labour 11 years ago in August this year. I miss him. I love him. The babies due at the same time are finishing primary school and I am reading about their final days and seeing pictures. They’re my windows into what Daniel would be doing and always will be but I so wish it was him.
    Your boy is beautiful and in that you are lucky. He is a beautiful angel who has a strong mummy and family and who will not let him be forgotten. Keep that memory close as he will be to you. Well done for articulating so well your pain. I hope that those ignorant comments will be thought about carefully and you help someone think twice. Take care xxx

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  21. Firstly let me say how gorgeous your son was and how so sorry I am for your loss. There are no words that could ever, ever make your pain easier.
    This was a heart-wrenching read, and has bought me to tears, but I also know that that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of your pain. Thinking of you x

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  22. So sorry for your loss there are some thought less heartless people in this world . He’s is perfect . My beautiful angel . I lost my son age 17 days . I was blessed to have had him for 17 days . I thank the Lord for that . I had similar experience . People would say at least you had him for 2 weeks . No one knows what it’s like to lose a child not until you go though it . It the most painful experience . He would be 27 years old now I still think of him . if he would be married . would I had a grandchild . My heart goes out to you and your family . Otis is Beautiful perfect Little boy 💙

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  23. Thank you so much for sharing your story ❤ words are so so important and which words we all chose to use can make or break people, we need to be more careful about which ones we chose to use

    Otis is beautiful, you must be very proud of your son ❤ much love to you and Chris

    Fly high little man xxx

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  24. You are a strong woman such a brave thing to share your story…your beautiful baby boy is looking down on you from heaven so smile for him. I pray that your journey of pain and sadness with time becomes easier for you.

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  25. I’m am soo sorry for your loss. I lost my little Hunter at 23 weeks. He would have been 10 this past June. I still cry. I was told by an in-law to “get over it” but I can’t either. People are cruel. Especially when they haven’t walked in your shoes. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  26. I am truly sorry for your loss! I can barely see through all the tears, but as I read this post it brings me back 11 years. I felt almost word for word what you had written. Sometimes I wish those Unknowingly cruel people knew what it felt like. But then I feel horrible for even thinking that. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy! I feel for you mamma. And I know the pain. May the Lord comfort you today and everyday!

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  27. I do wonder to myself… to be a parent and to lose a child (which is something that is constantly in my head, I’m so scared of something happening to my children all the time) would it be ‘worse’ to have never known the child outside of the womb? Or would it be worse to have lived with and raised a child and then lose it? I have never experienced the tragedy of either so I do not know. I can only conclude that neither is worse than the other. They are equally tragic and unfair. How dare you not be given the chance to watch your child grow at all, and how dare you be left with nothing but the painful echo’s of your childs laughter that you will never again hear. But a stillborn does not get the same life long recognition of something tragic like that of a child of age who passes away. And that needs to change. No matter what age your child dies- no matter how little or long you got to know him or her, that pain is life long sentence and how dare anybody believe one is ‘not as bad’ as the other. My deepest sympathies to you all affected by the loss of a child.

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  28. I lost my daughter at 26 weeks. I was told…”at least it wasn’t a boy” I already had two girls. Twenty-four years later my reality has not changed, my hole has not been filled, but my heart is at peace. I will pray for yours. ~Forever footprints on your heart~

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  29. Knowing the child you are about to give birth to isn’t going to live is horrendous and after 23 years your comments took me back to that time.

    Some things we can never get over but we can and do get through.
    Thoughts to all involved.

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  30. I feel your pain our little grandson jack was born sleeping on the 15th of March 2015 he was almost 20weeks his mum went into early labour I was there when he was born and held him and kissed him goodnight I carry him in my heart always we couldn’t get a wee gown so tiny but the undertaker was so lovely and careing she helped my son and daughter-in-law so much. And yes people do say things it was said to us like oh you can always try again or other things my son and daughter-in-law had been trying for a while and they had to have ivf and where overjoyed when they found out on Christmas Eve he was born on mothers day I am just so glad I was there its heartbreaking I remember all mums and dad’s in my prayers every day and night especially dad’s cause sometimes they are forgo. Godbless you xx

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  31. Saying I’m sorry doesn’t help you through your loss, but I’m terribly sorry for the pain your family has gone through. A very close friend delivered her stillborn son at 34 weeks last month. They had the viewing before the funeral and he was perfect. I cried. I cried for the family, the people I care so much about, but could do nothing to ease their pain. I cried for her sweet baby boy who never had a chance. It was painful to watch someone suffer from something so heartbreaking. I couldn’t begin to imagine living through the nightmare.

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  32. Learning that the heartbeat you hear at your OB appts are only going to last until their birth is gut wrenching. Knowing you’re the heartbeat keeping them alive and moving around has you praying to God to let it go on as long as possible just to try and burn it in to your memory and pretend that it will end with a happily ever after. The whys, what ifs and guilt is overwhelming, just like the grief and anger. June 12, 2016 my precious Rocco was supposed to be celebrating his 13th birthday….pain is still raw.

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  33. I feel like my heart just shattered into a thousand pieces for you and your family. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and shocked at the insensitivity of others.
    I pray that time eases the intensity of your grief and that you have moments of peace. Strength to you, Momma.

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  34. I’m so so sorry for your loss took me right back to 1999 when I delivered a baby girl Chloe who had fell asleep whilst I was giving birth I was told at a scan at 25 weeks she was very very poorly and would be dead within weeks inside me I can’t remember being given the option to wait and see what would happen I think for a week I was in this nightmare waiting to wake up from and didn’t I gave birth at 27 weeks to my little girl I wanted her to be strong and the hospital to be wrong but she never made it through the delivery, there was no first cry I was unable to hold her as I was told it was not a good idea I look back now and think she was my daughter I should of held her but I was a total wreck and went with what the nurses said
    I went home empty handed and empty hearted and wondered what I’d done so wrong to be dealt this awful hand
    The funeral was again a daze this little white shoe box coffin carried into the crematorium didn’t look real again my heart broke a little bit more
    Time passed years passed I found out I was pregnant again had a healthy baby boy who I love with every beat of my heart but nothing in this world will ever replace my baby girl born sleeping 😢

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  35. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter 2 years ago, it had taken me 8 years to conceive ( & 10 years to conceive my middle son) She was desperatley wanted & I had a massive bleed at just gone 12 weeks, I was petrified, Was I loosing my baby? I too had people saying if your going to loose her best to loose her now!!!
    How can people ever think saying things like this are helpful or compassionate is beyond me!
    I was one of the lucky ones, after a 3 day wait my scan confirmed all was well, the pregnancy didnt go great & at 34 weeks my teeny preemi was born.

    Im so sorry for the hardship you guys have been given, I dont think there is anything worse in the world than to go through something like this, I wish you & your family all the love I can
    What a beautiful boy Otis is, perfect in almost every way- Just too good for this world xx

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  36. This made my heart hurt, so badly. I will grieve forever for the baby’s I have lost and let their memories live through the two beautiful children I have on earth. Thank you for sharing this, you are amazing. Your little Otis is beautiful – absolutely perfect xxx

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  37. I was told the same thing. It hurts. I’m thankful God graced me to know ahead because I don’t know how the trauma would have affected me. 5 years later, the day we learned Lily was not going to survive, is still the hardest. Bottom line, you are right, nothing lucky either way.

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