bereavement · childloss · grief · infantloss · miscarriage · pregnancy · stillbirth · Uncategorized

Short and simple.

I want my son back.

I did not deserve this. Nor did his daddy. His sisters definitely didn’t. His Grandma and Grandad Cullen didn’t deserve to lose their first grandson – their first grandchild. My dad and Sam didn’t deserve to lose their grandson. My little brother didn’t deserve to lose his playmate and nephew. My sisters didn’t deserve to lose their nephew. Chris’ brother and his fiancée didn’t deserve to lose their nephew. Our friends didn’t deserve to lose their childrens’ playmate … I’m annoying myself saying that, because we didn’t ‘lose’ him. We didn’t take him to Mothercare shopping for his baby clothes and leave him there, we didn’t forget to bring him home from the hospital. We haven’t LOST him. He’s dead. He’s gone. Forever. Never coming back. I won’t ever feel his skin again, I won’t ever cuddle him again, I won’t ever kiss his little face again. I won’t ever see him in his daddy’s arms again. I won’t ever see his grandparents love on him again. Ever.

Otis is one of the most loved little boys who ever graced the Earth; he would have had an amazing life. He’d be a month old now and just learning to smile, just learning to focus his eyes on the people whose voices he had heard but couldn’t quite make out their faces yet …

This is is not fair.

Chris and I would give our very last breath just to see our son have his first.

I want my son back.

Otis Dominic Anthony Cullen; we miss you, we love you, we will do both eternally.

 

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